Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Payback Is Me!

My husband and I went to dinner and then Target to grab a few snacks for our son who was having a couple friends over for the night. On our way into the store my husband said, “Don’t embarrass me like you normally do.” Well, that was all I needed to hear! My brain began weaving the perfect plan on just how to embarrass the hell out of him.

You see, I’ve been doing it for years. We’ll be in an elevator and the doors will open and a couple will enter and as soon as the doors close, I’ll say to my husband, “I will NOT get an abortion!” The couple’s bodies jump, like someone jabbed their spines, then their bodies go completely rigid, like statues—they don’t move until they get off at their floor, where they practically jump out of the elevator. My husband either rolls his eyes or tells me I’m mean. 

 Then there are the times in restaurants where I’ll say stuff like, “My husband would never make me pay the bill!” or “What time does your wife get home?” My husband just sits there with a smile plastered on his face but through his teeth he says, “Stop it everyone is looking”. Which, of course, is my goal! I want him to squirm a little. It’s called payback for all the teasing he does to me!

 But back to our Target trip where my husband grabbed a cart and began following me as I walked rather briskly to our destination. He said, “Are you going to walk fifteen feet in front of me the entire time?”

 “Of course I am. Now stay behind me like an obedient husband.” I threw over my shoulder.

 “Obedient huh?”

“Absolutely. And sturdy,” I tell him as I point with my hands which direction we will be going next.

“Sturdy?” He asks with half a chuckle.

“Yep. Like a good floor. Good and sturdy so I can walk all over you for years.”

“Oh that’s priceless.” His chuckle is a full blown laugh now.

“Oh but it’s not. Floors are quite costly.” He should know this having installed quite a few.

We banter back and forth as we make our way to the food section. I kept him at ease as I waited for precisely the right moment to strike. It came in the frozen food aisle when I saw an elderly couple. The wife was in a wheel chair and the husband was devotedly pushing her.

 I proceeded in front of our cart, turned to make sure the elderly couple wasn’t looking at us, and then yelled, “OUCH! WHY did you do that?” The elderly couple looked our way and saw me standing there with an offended look on my face, but they couldn’t see my husband’s face—his eyes were wider than baseballs and his mouth was wide open. “If you do that again, I’m calling my dad. You aren’t supposed to get violent with me anymore!” The elderly gentleman maneuvered the wheel chair out of the aisle and I was able to release my offended look and giggle quietly. 

“What are you doing?” My husband whispered.

“Embarrassing you, what else?”

“Well stop it.” He sounded like a little kid.

“But it’s fun. And why else would I bring you to Target? Besides pushing the cart, I mean.”

“You suck.” His famous line when he doesn’t know what else to say.

“Yeah yeah.”

 I got one good one in for about six months of his teasing. Not very good odds but I’ll take it. Although I can even up the odds with Spring being here! We have LOTS of Home Depot and Lowes shopping coming up!

 The saying goes payback is a bitch, but I say payback is me and I intend to pay in full!



  1. *Snicker*! Oh, Pam, I so love this!!! From his reactions, it sounds like he secretly loves getting grief... probably more likely he knows he has it coming!! haha! I adore doing that sort of thing to my husband, but he always beats me to the punch! His favorite is telling the kids and I to stop following him in any given store as if we're just a motley band of lunatics who adopted him out of the blue!
    *squeal of delight* I can't wait to hear about the events of the Home Depot and Lowes shopping excursions! There's always a captive audience in those sorts of stores! xo

    1. Annie, I think you might be right. He DOES like it! I should stop it just to show him who's the boss! ;-)

  2. Pamela, you CRACK ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    OMG, you and I are the same. I LOVE to say embarrassing things in public with my friends. I can be SO bad at times!

    "We’ll be in an elevator and the doors will open and a couple will enter and as soon as the doors close, I’ll say to my husband, “I will NOT get an abortion!” The couple’s bodies jump, like someone jabbed their spines, then their bodies go completely rigid, like statues—"

    Bwhahahahahahhahahahaha!!! HYSTERICAL!!!! I would have love to seen the expression on the elder couples faces!

    Faaaabulous post, my friend! You and your hubby should have your own cable TV show, entitled, "Pay Back is a Bitch."

    Have a terrific Tuesday.....X

    1. Ron, I wish someone would secretly video tape us. The whole family, actually. It would be a riot!

  3. Nicely done Pam; well played. Hubs usually gets me. He's dipped me in the supermarket a time or two which, let me tell you, gets us a LOT of attention.

    1. Bubbe, at least "dipping" won't get you banned from the store! Not that I've ever been banned...yet! ;-)

  4. Oh, this is good. Paul and I typically do the same thing, but we do it as a team embarrassing those around us. Just when a salesperson has us figured out, we'll mention our five children, and then our two ex-wives....

    1. Bill, I hate when people figure it out! It's just too much fun!


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