Sunday, February 23, 2014

Happy Birthday To My Husband David


A little over thirty-three years ago, I began dating a young man. I didn’t know at the time that I’d end up marrying him and having two sons. Nor did I know we’d shelter one another through storms and hold hands while we’d climb some pretty hazardous mountains. I had no clue that life would be hard at times and he’d have to dry my tears and support me while our life spun out of control, and that I’d do the same for him.

I didn’t have a crystal ball to see that this young man would make a good husband and father. But in hindsight, I made a damn good decision in marrying him. He’s kind, compassionate, intelligent, chivalrous, romantic and dignified. And I’m very lucky to call him my husband.

David, I love you and I’m honored to be your wife and the mother of your sons.

 Happy Birthday, David!

 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Happy New Year - From Berra


Hi! Guess Who?




It’s me, Berra. And it’s been a very long time since I’ve updated you on…well, me!

Today is two years since I came to live with the Zydel’s. Can you believe it? Two whole years!

 I only weighed five pounds back then and now I weigh forty-eight. Mommy says I’m a fatty-ma-watty, but she says it with bunches of love in her voice.

 Back when I weighed five pounds, Madea and Kommit were afraid of me. Well, Kommit passed on to the Rainbow Bridge a year ago September. Mommy was so sad. She cried and cried. She says she still misses that Wiggle-butt. Madea’s still here and I love her so much. I kiss her and snuggle with her. I also bite her legs and steal her toys. And she doesn’t even get mad at me! She the best sister ever!

 And I got the bestest news the other day. I’m getting another sister. And she’s an Elkhound, like me! Except she’s older. She’s eight. Her name is Bacardi and she’s been living outside in a dog house and Mommy and Daddy felt so sad that they just had to adopt her. She’ll come to live with us in a few days. I’m really excited. I’ll have another dog to snow snorkel with because Madea isn’t really a snow dog like us Elkhounds. We even like that frigid, sub-zero weather we had not too long ago.

 I go out then come in. And then I ring the bell on the door about five minutes later because I want to go back out. And I do this, oh, all night. Mommy tells me no but I don’t give up. I look up at her and she says, oh all right, but just for a minute. A minute in Berra time can last a long time. Or until Mommy says, Daddy said come! Then I know she means business and I bark at the night air and run up to the door.

 My family is wonderful to me. They spoil me something fierce. I have lots of toys and I pull them all out and scatter them all over the floor. I like to have two or three under my snout at a time and if someone picks a toy up, I drop what I’m doing and run to them because I want what they have in their hand.

I especially like when they have food. My favorite is licorice. Mommy will bite off itty-bitty pieces and I will sit or dance or give my paws to get those pieces. I get treats too. Mommy buys Madea and me special ones. I know right where they are and when I do something cute, I run to the treat drawer and sit down like a good girl. It’s hard for Mommy not to reach in that drawer and give me one.

 Dalan is my boy. I love him more than my treats. I miss him when he’s away at that college place. I know the sound of his car though and I run to the door to greet him. And when he’s home, I’m right by his side. I snuggle with him and he pets and loves on me. Austin is good to me too and I will snuggle with him when Dalan isn’t home. I have four people to pick from. I’m the luckiest dog in the world!

I can finally jump on the beds by myself now. It took a long time. I used to just place my front paws on the mattress and they would boost my bummie. But now I’m a big girl which is good because I can jump up and down whenever I want!

 I have a good life and I’m a very happy dog. I’ll let you know how I like my new sister. Until then, have a Happy New Year!

~Berra



 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Golden Spammers


It’s been awhile. And when I say awhile, I mean it! Sorry I’ve been away so long. I’ve been quite busy. But what better way to come back than with a Spammer letter. And this one is just as golden (wink, wink) as all the others!
Dear Sir/Madam, We are Africa Gold Miners from Kisangani Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC)in Central Africa. I don’t recall asking what the heck you do or where you’re from. But, congratulations all the same! We have huge quantity of alluvial Gold Dust for sale at a considerable price of $16,500USD per kilo,Nuggets $27.000USD per kilo,bar $28.000USD 22 Carats at 93-98 purity which is below world market price because we recently decided to expand our business scope internationally and are on the move of building our customer and partnership network. We want only reliable and serious buyer or broker for a long term business relationship. 

Let me get this straight. You have a HUGE supply of GOLD DUST. Like the dust from the Gold Rush days that everyone and their brother was rushing to the West for back in the 1800’s? Back when they had pack mules and gold essay offices? And where exactly do you think I’d take this dust to now-a-days? And you have bars of gold. AND you have 22 carat gold. Gold at 93-98 purity. Did you know that 22 carat IS 98% pure gold? Or did you think that I wouldn’t know that so you threw some high numbers in there hoping I’d think, “Wow! This is fantastic! Some guy from Africa emailed ME! From the 300 million people in the United States, he wants ME!” 

Yeah. I mean, no. I’m not stupid. But I’m sure you can find some stupid schmuck in our population to help you expand your business scope internationally since you are on the move of building your customer and partnership network.

 If you are interested,do not hesitate to get back to us as soon as you receive this mail so that we will prepare and send you our full co-operate offer (FCO). Even if you are not prepared to buy our Gold now but can get a buyer for us, we pay 5% commission per kg to Agent/Mandate or Intermediary.

 I am not interested now or ever. Not if you have a full or even a partial co-operate offer. I wouldn’t do this if you paid a 100% commission. This just plain sucks. 

We look forward in doing a long lasting business transaction with you. N.B Prices are negotiable depending on KG Best Regards Africa Miners Gold,Diamond,Minerals Kimunya Patrick B.P 747 Kisangani CONGO (DRC) Email:kimunya.patrick@gmail.com SYKPE:Africaminersgroup 

 Don’t look forward to anything, especially a long lasting business transaction. Nothing is negotiable. I wouldn’t email you for all the coffee at Starbucks and oh DEAR GAWD! I just threw up in my mouth thinking about SKYPING you!

 If I could, I’d have you arrested, thrown behind bars and the key melted into your forehead, you scum-bucket-spammer! 

 But since I can’t do any that, I’ll just have my fun typing this knowing my friends will get a chuckle and knowing they too won’t be stupid enough to fall for your crap.

 

Monday, June 17, 2013

Now I Have A Police Record



I’ve had dogs all my life. I’ve also trained my own dogs. My boxers were the best. Not only were they quiet, as in they barely barked, they were also smart. They did all sorts of tricks, Kommit even sneezed on command. They stayed in our yard without leashes too. Many people walking past our house asked if we had an electric fence. We don’t.

 Madea, our German Shepherd mix, is also intelligent. She barks but only if she thinks there’s a threat. Berra is smart. But she thinks leaves blowing in the back yard are a threat. The bitch darling thinks everything is a threat. And she knows I don’t like her yipping because she’ll bark then duck her head as if to say, “Oops, my bad, Mommy. But I just couldn’t help myself.”

 Berra also likes to test me by leaving the yard. She walks out of the driveway and barks at people pushing their baby strollers. I don’t know why she does this, because she’s anti-social. People will put their hands down to greet her and she’ll back away with her hair sticking up and bark as if she’s the meanest dog on earth. Except she only attacks moths and stink bugs.

 I have to watch her like a hawk when we’re in the front yard because as soon as I turn my back, she heads for the street. Almost like she’s pissed the plants are getting my attention. And if dogs are smart enough to cut off their noses to spite their faces...Berra did just that.

 The other night I received a call on my cell phone. It was from the Chief of Police. He asked, “Is this Pam?”

 Of course I said yes.

 He proceeded to tell me that he received an anonymous complaint about my dogs going into the street and barking at people who walked by. I had to clarify dogs, as in plural, because Madea doesn’t do that. She stops at the end of our driveway and she doesn’t bark unless she’s in the house and someone comes to the door. However, Berra barks at everything and she has gone into the street and barked at people.

 Damn her.

My perfect record was shot.

 I explained to the Chief that Berra was a yipper and it pissed me off but I didn’t leave her unattended, ever. Although there were a few times she did get out of the yard but she’d never hurt anyone. I told him I did understand that a barking dog in the street could scare some people when they didn’t know the dog and from now on I would leash her when we were out front. He was pleased with this solution.

 After the call ended I looked at Berra and said, “You got me in trouble. And now you’ll be on a leash.”

 She wagged her tail.

Probably because I was talking to her...again, or would that be still?

 Then it dawned on me, the Chief called my cell phone and never used my last name.

 He must’ve gotten the information from the NSA.


 

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