Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Dinner With A Clown

It never fails, every time we go out to dinner, a girl hits on my husband. I should clarify that—in HIS mind, a girl hits on him.

 My husband, David, is a clown. Yes, a sarcastic ass clown. Sometimes it’s funny, other times, not so much. Going out to dinner is one of the funny times.

 We sit down at a table, the waitress comes over to give us our menus, silverware and ask if we want drinks, however, she doesn’t bother to look at me, she looks at HIM—I’m invisible. Once she leaves with our drink order, my husband leans over and tells me, “She wants me.”

 “I know. They all do,” I tell him, my eyes never leaving the menu. After thirty years of this, I’m not at all fazed; its a game now, or at least in my mind it is. Although, when I was sixteen and he eighteen, I didn’t like it at all.

 Back THEN, I would watch the waitress for signs. Was she giving him come-hither looks? Did she write her number on the bill? The slut, I’ll kick her ass! 

Now, I just go with the flow.

 It gets more interesting when our sons are with us. My husband does his usual She wants me routine and one, or both, of my sons chime in with, She does, Mom, I can tell.

That’s when I put my menu down and level my eyes at them and say, “If any female is brave enough to try and get him, I’ll give her a badge.” My sons think that’s ever so funny. My husband, not so much.

 “What do you mean a badge?”

 “I’ve been dealing with you for over thirty years. I KNOW you. I deserve a badge. And any woman brave enough to try and take you from me would deserve one too.”

 “What do you mean take me from you?”

 “Well you aren’t going anywhere, so, she’d have to TAKE you. And I’m pretty sure that I could TAKE her.” That, of course, makes him beam from ear to ear. Little does he know I’m thinking, Please, pahleeze, take him, take him! 

No, seriously. I don’t think that. Well, not every time a female eye-balls him, I dont. 

I do think, however... no wait, I KNOW, I won’t give up without a fight. After all, it took me thirty years to train him so I’ll be damned if some other female is going to reap the benefits of MY hard work!



  1. Hahahahah! Oh, I so adore this post! It's those endearing little bits of jealousy, feigned or otherwise, that seem to keep the spark alive and well! I tend to be the one convincing my husband that the (fill in the blank female) "Wants him" while he sits in blissful oblivion. He'll go through the mock motions of denying it though suddenly exhibiting a bit more spring in his step. We all deserve to feel loved and appreciated....if something so seemingly silly can convince them we haven't TOTALLY taken them for granted, all the better, yes? This just makes me smile, though. I'm guessing your honey knows he is mightily blessed to have such a stunning and classy lady willing to take down the "competition" *giggles*!

    1. Annie, I'm the one who walks/drives/sits in "blissful oblivion"! Strange habit for a writer, huh? But it suits me just fine!

      Oh, I agree we can't take each other for granted. Everyone needs to know they are wanted and appreciated!

  2. Hahahahaha! Absolutely! Don't give up without a fight Pam! Hubs doesn't get those kind of vibes from our waitresses but he is the king of one liners in our house. When the waitress comes to take our order and asks what he'd like he says, "Food." Almost every time. Well, at least until we're regulars and they know enough not to ask him. ;)

    1. Bubbe, I can totally hear my husband saying "Food" in answer to what he'd like at a restaurant. Mine normally says, "I'll take a shopping bag full of fifties."

      I just roll my eyes.

      Although our "regular" places KNOW us and joke right along! That's fun!

  3. "Back THEN, I would watch the waitress for signs. Was she giving him come-hither looks? Did she write her number on the bill? The slut, I’ll kick her ass!"

    Bwhahahahahahhahaha! Pamela, that made me HOWL!!! You GO, girl!

    And LOVE the clown photo with speech bubble - HILARIOUS!

    It's funny because when I first started my relationship, back when I lived in NYC with my THEN partner at the time, I use to get insanely jealous when he got 'looks' or 'come on lines' from from other guys AND girls. He loved ANY attention. Yet, I eventually realized that he not only LOVED the attention he was getting from others, but also the attention of my being jealous. Therefore, I decided to start ignoring it. OMG...did that ever piss him off. He'd say, "What, are you no longer jealous?" And I'd say, "Why, do you want me to be?" He'd say, "Yes, it makes me feel wanted."

    He had the BIGGEST and yet, most fragile ego of any man I've ever known.

    And that's why we're no longer together - tee, hee!

    Faaaaaaaaaabulous post, my friend!


    1. Ron, some jealously is healthy. But when it turns into an obsession, that's bad news.

      But it's totally cute when you can get your significant other to see a wee bit of green and never, never be mean about it! Not that I think YOU would! There are a lot of insecure people out there though who would. :-(

  4. If you need help whoopin' some skanky slut ass, you let me know....I'm there for ya!

    1. Grammy, Thanks for having my back! We could go on a skanky, slut hunt and whoop all their asses. Even if they haven't LOOKED at our husbands...but just for being skanks!

  5. Hahaha Pamela I loved this post. You crack me up! So spunky...if I was your husband I'd watch myself because you don't put up with the clowning around nonsense ;D

    1. Nate, I have to be "spunky" since I'm out-numbered, being the only girl, unless you count the dogs! ;-)

  6. Something tells me if any woman tried to pull your husband away, he would be the one kicking and screaming. He's a lucky man to have such a funny wife.


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