Sunday, January 8, 2012

Between Hell And Heaven

***This is a writing prompt from BlogHer October’s NaBloPoMo. Posts such as this will be listed under My Life Revealed to give more insight into me, my life and my journey and how I got to where I am today.***

List two things (however close or far) that your current home is between. 

 I don’t remember much of the “good” part of my childhood from the time I was born and the time my dad left. He and my bio-mother divorced when I was nine years old and my brothers and I moved from my childhood home into what would turn into my hell on earth. 

The years from ten to nineteen were tumultuous, to say the least. When I was ten, my bio-mother remarried an alcoholic who, when not on a drinking binge, was very kind. When he binged, though, he was mean to her and the only consolation was that he would leave and not return until his binge was over and that would sometimes last six months. They had two children together, little girls, and added to my brothers, who were two and four years my junior, left me, the theoretical adult, responsible for four children, while the actual adults gallivanted from bar to bar.

 When I was eleven, my dad remarried a responsible, caring widow woman with two children. My new step-brother was two years younger than me, making him the same age as my one younger brother, and my new step-sister was the same age as me. That was actually kind of cool. I had two baby sisters, but they weren’t any fun. All they did was cry, eat and poop. THIS sister was fun! We could talk, listen to music and play. Nevertheless, these mixed families were a combination of confusion and novelty. The one with my bio-mother during the week was frightening and harsh. The fighting, drinking, poverty and drama left me anxious and insecure. The one with my dad and step-mother was sort of like the Brady Bunch, except Alice, the cleaning lady, didn’t live with us—she cleaned once a week and her name wasn’t Alice. No wonder I was confused.

 I used to pray to God, and any other unearthly divinity, to save me from my torturous weeks, but none came to my rescue. My dad, however, showed up EVERY Friday to sweep me away to a Brady-Bunch lifestyle for two and a half days of three square meals a day, shopping trips to the mall, family fun and kid stuff, only to return me to my waking nightmare. Why I didn’t divulge to him the distress I was REALLY living, to this very day, I truly don’t know the exact answer. I think one reason was, as a kid, I had some delusion that if I told him the truth I would’ve been betraying my bio-mother. It was only after I began my challenging journey of emotional healing that I realized I didn’t owe her any loyalty.

 I met my current husband when I was only sixteen. We married when I was twenty-one going on twenty-two and purchased our house the following year when I was twenty-two going on twenty-three and we’ve been here ever since. I won’t lie and say our marriage has been peaches, cream, kittens and puppy dogs. Although we’ve had our share of puppy dogs and are planning another next month.

We’ve had plenty of ups and downs, bumps and ruts, but all in all, with all things considered, we’ve done pretty darn well and I’m a very happy woman. Something I never imagined I’d say when I first began therapy all those years ago. It’s probably going to sound strange to some, but my dream was never one of a big wedding with me walking down an aisle in a flowing white lace wedding dress. MY one true dream was to have a safe, secure place that I could call home.

I look around my house now and realize I achieved, surpassed even, my dream. I have happiness, security and my home and it’s between hell and heaven.

 There are moments, though, when I’m sitting at my desk in my den tapping away on my computer or times when my sons are in our game room laughing with their friends or even times when my husband is building something that I want for our home and I think that I might actually be in heaven.


  1. Written on Sunday, January 8, 2012 6:45PM

    First, I want to thank you for sharing (again) such an open and honest post, Pamela.

    I think reading about another person's challenges and how they overcame them, helps others.


    What I admire most about you (which I've shared before) is that you took what happened to you and turned it around into something positive. You learned, therefore you grew. And it shows in how much you love and cherish your family and home.

    "There are moments, though, when I’m sitting at my desk in my den tapping away on my computer or times when my sons are in our game room laughing with their friends or even times when my husband is building something that I want for our home and I think that I might actually be in heaven.'

    BEAUTIFULLY stated, dear lady.

    Thanks again, Pamela. You ROCK, girl!


    1. Ron, you thank me for sharing my life and my stories, but I want to thank YOU for reading and giving me input! It really means a lot.

      My goal has been to be thankful every day because it could have been so much worse and there is always a silver lining somewhere if we look hard enough.

  2. Written on Sunday, January 8, 2012 7:51 PM

    I'm so glad you made it to your safe place! And your words touched me very deeply. I hurt for the little girl you once were and cheer for the woman you've become - strong, loving and healthy!

    1. Bubbe, I'm glad I made it to my safe place too! It's been a long road but it sure feels good.

  3. Written on Monday, January 9, 2012 7:32 PM

    What a clever and creative response to your prompt. Plus, any young person who may be in a similar boat may be given the courage to speak up and be heard by an adult. You've come through this so well, Pamela. No, there's no perfection. But it's good to know that you love what you have and give yourself a sense of Heaven.

    1. Soul Dipper, you are so right, there is no perfection but there is contentment. And everyone deserves that. It's my fondest dream that anyone who has been abused finds that.

  4. Written on Monday, January 9, 2012 9:22

    I can totally understand why you would want your own safe place. I'm so glad that you have it. (Your house is gorgeous, by the way)
    I heard a quote a long time ago, and cannot remember who to attribute it to, but it was "The more pressure you put on some people, the more they become like diamonds." You're a diamond, Pamela. Shine on!

    1. Jo,! Thank you so much! What a beautiful compliment. I'm truly humbled!

  5. Written on Tuesday, January 10, 2012 11:39 AM

    A house is a house, family makes it a home. I'm so thrilled you've made a home for you, your Hubby and your boys. They and your cyber family are lucky to have you! {{hugs}}

    1. Grammy, you are so right and without my husband and sons my "house" would NOT mean anything!

      I'm lucky to have found you too. You and all the others who now visit me here are so awesome! (( )) Hugs back at you!

  6. Please be advised that the comments and dates above this message don’t correspond because when I transferred from Intense Data Base to Blogger’s new Threaded Comment System, all my comments were deleted. Fortunately I was able to recreate them using my email and Intense Date Base files.


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