Friday, February 3, 2012

The A-B-C’s Of My Purse

I’m larger than life. Well, not physically, but my antics and my attire. Some would say I’m gaudy. I wear big ass earrings, bracelets, necklaces, three and a half inch pumps and I tote around a HUGE over-night bag purse. I also LOVE animal prints. Zebra, Leopard, Dalmatian…you name it, I have it, and if I don’t have it or can’t find it, I darn well will MAKE it MYSELF. Because that’s WHO I AM! 

I found out recently that Grammy over at Gram Cracker blog has an affinity for Huge-Can-Hide-Jimmy-Hoffa’s-Body purses as well. Although I HAVE Jimmy Hoffa in MY purse and intend to raffle him off one of these days, so save your pennies— I’ll let you know when advance tickets are on sale. 

Grammy’s purse weighs fourteen pounds. Mine only weighs about ten. Damn it. I thought for sure it was AT LEAST a twelve pounder (need to find more shit to put in my suitcase bag).

 I also discovered, when taking pictures and marking everything alphabetically, in case you didn’t know what everything was by the photo, since I carry damn near everything in my purse, except my dogs, but only because they are approximately twenty inches tall and weight fifty pounds each, except Berra who is only about ten inches tall and six pounds—but give her time, she’s a puppy, but destined to be a fifty pound dog like the others.

 Anyway, marking everything alphabetically, I have TWENTY-SIX things in my purse, not counting all the LITTLE things inside the little bags! Holy Schmolly! I really AM an organized pack rat!

 Don’t judge. You never know when you’re gonna break a nail and need super glue or chip a tooth and need a file! Or maybe my eye liner pencil will break and I’ll need to sharpen it! And how many times have you been out at a restaurant and someone said, Hey, pick that broccoli out of your front teeth! Well, I CAN! With my handy-dandy-tooth-picker which has a little mirror AND light! Or what if you rip something or a button pops off and you need a safety pin? Well, I have safety pins—and in different sizes! I’m PREPARED! I have Band-Aids, tweezers, nail clippers, a lint comb, hair comb, hair spray, lip balm, cold sore relief ointment, Neosporin pain reliever, heck, I even have hand sanitizer AND hand lotion. One to clean, which dries the hell out of your hands and then one to take care of the nasty dryness! See, PREPARED—I THINK of EVERYTHING!

Speaking of EVERYTHING. I have notebooks, a normal size one and a little one. Never know when I will have to do an interview and need paper. Or if I’m stalking someone and taking notes—lying sprawled on a tree branch there isn’t much room so I need a little notebook! I also have a pen AND pencil. I might have to ERASE, y’all.

 I have a day-timer with an address book (don’t be jealous, you can buy one at Staples too). As you can see from the picture, I have a Stupid Phone and yes it does have Contacts but no it doesn’t keep track of addresses. I also use my day-timer thingy to store my coupons and lists. I have LOTS of lists. Lists for Things I want, Things I need, Things I like, Things I don’t like, just THINGS because I like THINGS!

 If you look at the pictures you’ll see that I have two cigarette cases (yes I’m one of THOSE). One case is my daily case which holds my lighter. The other is my spare. I also have a receptacle just in case I’m not near an ashtray or garbage can, because I’m NOT a litterbug. See, I’m a considerate one of THOSE.

 You’ll also see that I have a key chain. It has ZERO keys on it. It’s just full of novelty chains. Two say: Twenty-nine and Holding. Another says SHOPPING: The fine art of obtaining things you don’t need with money you don’t have to impress people you don’t even like! (it reminds me NOT to buy crap I don’t even like). I have a little pen-knife which is as dull as watching paint dry. Then there are a few that represent The Big Valley, my FAVORITE TV series from the 1960’s, although I wasn’t old enough to watch it when it was running but I began watching it on re-runs. I now belong to a Fan-Fiction site dedicated to the show.

 Plus MY purse is SO freaken BIG I can hide a BODY in it (Shut up Jimmy and eat your crackers!) which is much better than carrying around those Foo-Foo dogs like the Hollyweirds do.

  So, if you need something, I probably have it. Or if you want to hide from someone, MY purse can accommodate YOU!

 Big-Ass-Purses are a WIN-WIN!



  1. I have seen said contents and it is true. If anyone ever needed anything, just ask Pam because if she didn't have it in her purse, then you don't need it!

    1. Kris, and if anyone tried to steal my purse from a shopping cart, they'd probably break their arm!

  2. Ok, I didn't see an egg timer. WTF?? You Missy, are woefully ill prepared....How are you going to enjoy a 3 minute egg snack in your tree perch? You won't, because you'll try to time it in your HEAD and you'll end up with a 5 minute egg. Ew. Amateur....:)

    1. Grammy, good thing I have you around to let me know what's missing! I'm now a proud owner of a purse-egg-timer!

      Poached eggs anyone?

  3. OMG, this is too too funny because I also carry a HUGE leather backpack with me at all times. Living in a city, it's truly mandatory to do so because you're always walking about, without the convenience of leaving things in a car.

    You wouldn't believe all the crap I carry in my bag.

    " Hey, pick that broccoli out of your front teeth! Well, I CAN! With my handy-dandy-tooth-picker which has a little mirror AND light!

    OMG...I need to get me one of those because I'm anal about keeping my teeth clean. I usually have TWO containers of dental floss in my bag.

    " If you look at the pictures you’ll see that I have two cigarette cases (yes I’m one of THOSE)."

    Yay...another smoker! I smoke too.

    LOVED your last sentence, Pamela....

    "So, if you need something, I probably have it. Or if you want to hide from someone, MY purse can accommodate YOU!"


    FUN post, my friend. Thank you for great Friday morning laughs!

    Have a FANTABULOUS weekend!


    1. "You wouldn't believe all the crap I carry in my bag."

      Ron, considering how ALIKE you and I are...yes I WOULD!

      "Yay...another smoker! I smoke too."

      Somebody has to support health care for children! Go US!

  4. I'll bet you were a girl scout, yes? Or maybe you should just be a scout leader now! Love this. I will definitely have to come see you if I need anything - my teeny little wallet on a string holds most everything I need but every now and again...

    1. Bubbe, no, not a girl scout, just a teeny bit anal. ;-)


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