Christmas has come and gone. The New Year is fast approaching and I must say, it can’t get here fast enough for me, because I’m hoping against hope that the black cloud that has enshrouded us will evaporate, or at least move along to float above a remote, uninhabited island somewhere. I surely wouldn’t wish it on anyone, other than someone I despise and quite frankly, I don’t hate anyone enough.
2012 started off normally. Well, for my life, let’s just say, boring, which in my book was a-okay. Then July happened and it was all downhill from there. Our lives haven’t been the same and I still haven’t come to terms with my son’s injury. I know I will, one day, but that day isn’t today.
I’ve spent the last five months under a tremendous amount of anxiety. My son’s accident, the endless doctor’s appointments, then the weeks of other catastrophes. I have no clue how I stayed sane. Although that’s probably debatable, if you ask my family.
To put it in perspective, I had to put on a happy face for Thanksgiving. Anyone who knows me well, knows that Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays and I just wasn’t feeling very thankful this year. I know, I know. My son is alive. But as a mom, it’s still heart-wrenching to look at him and see his missing fingers and not want to fix it!
Then there was Christmas. I love everything about that holiday. The decorating, the shopping, the songs—not this year. My husband hung the outside lights and I reluctantly put up our tree. And that was it. Honestly, I just wanted to skip it all. I envy bears. Hibernation sounds great right about now.
Since I couldn’t hibernate, I did the shopping thing and cried. There wasn’t a single store that sold fingers.
On the brighter side, my son is remarkable. He’s healing and his hand is getting stronger every day. He’s returned to the gym and has gained back almost all of the twenty pounds of muscle he lost. That has helped his depression. He even jokes about his fingers…but it breaks my heart. He just turned twenty years old on November 2nd and he shouldn’t have to make jokes to get through to acceptance. That’s what I realize. What I know. Nothing can replace what he lost.
He…we… just have to learn to accept it, because no matter what, it will never be okay. And I have to get over my anger and move out of my own depression and adapt to how our lives have changed. And trust me, this accident has done more to our lives than I care to discuss.
I don’t know how I managed to get through these last months. When I look back I wonder where I got the strength, then I realize I’ve always had it. Some would probably debate that, but who could blame them; they’ve never had adversity, and I’m actually glad they haven’t.
The only advice I can give is enjoy each and every day because even if you’ve never experienced a hardship or a tragedy and it seems like you are prepared, you never know what tomorrow could bring or how one phone call could change your life.
I also learned that we enshroud ourselves with a false sense of security. Because we are never safe. But we need that sense of security, no matter how insincere, in order to live.
Living and loving are the essence of our being. Connecting with our loved ones is what makes it all worth-while. So even though I haven’t been in the holiday spirit, I craved the connection with my family and friends and made sure that I was with them. And that was more important to me than the lights, shopping, baking and gifts. If not for my family, those who have been there for me through thick and thin, this crazy ass world wouldn’t be worth a damn.
For them…I am grateful.
For them I look and move forward into 2013.