After twelve weeks of feeling helpless and out of control due to my son’s accident and a barrage of other calamities, I finally had one full week of no mishaps or disasters. The Jeep didn’t break down, a pet didn’t die and I wasn’t hit with another unexpected fiscal demand.
The emotional roller coaster I’ve been riding lately has left me exhausted and unable to think rationally. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I had to get a grip, because the fear and other emotions were gaining the upper hand, which if left to their own devices, could leave me stuck in a bottomless pit of despair and anger.
With the help of my sister-in-law I was able to clarify, in short, the Serenity Prayer. I AM doing everything in my control and leaving that which is not, up to the powers that be, and I do recognize the difference. I just didn’t SEE it through my current emotional state. (But hell, who could blame me with all the crap I’ve been dealing with? Therefore, I have decided to give myself a damn break.)
I also remembered the story of Job, from the Bible. My positive attitude was being tested—and I was failing. Rather than trying to find positives during this terrible tragedy, I was consumed with the negatives. So, I decided to find a bit of light in the dark clouds that have encompassed me the last few months.
First and foremost, my son is alive. I need to remember that no matter how tragic this is, it could’ve been worse. It will NEVER be okay. But one day, when my son is physically and emotionally healed, we will accept it because we can’t change it. It’s just going to take time and to borrow the old cliché, time heals all wounds.
Second, I have learned that I’m resilient, persistent, patient and composed under dreadful circumstances. I have been through a lot in my life, but never have I experienced such a horrible event like this. I never knew I could be so strong and for that I give myself some major kudos.
Third, I recognize that none of this is my fault. I am a good person and sometimes bad things happen to good people. I began to doubt Karma until just recently, and then something miraculous happened. I realize now that Karma gives us exactly what we need when we need it.
Fourth, I suffer from chronic migraines. Beginning in March, they tapered off due to menopause. I was terrified that all the stress would trigger them again. It didn’t! THAT, my friends, is a blessing unto itself!
And last, but most certainly not least, I am surrounded by loving and supportive family and friends. If not for them, I wouldn’t be able to get through this.
I don’t know what the future holds. None of us do. I don’t know if the Jeep will break down again this week, or if something will happen to one of my dogs, or some other horrible tragedy. A shoe could drop any time; this is life. I only know that I can’t live in constant fear anymore, it’s debilitating.
I also know that it’s okay to hope. Hope inspires us. Therefore I will hope that no other tragedies occur (goodness knows I had more than my share) but if one befalls, I hope I’ll be able to exhibit the same determination and courage I’ve had these last few months.
I’m back on my path of positive thinking, a bit shaky, but on it nonetheless and in spite of the tragedies, I’m thankful for my many blessings.