Saturday, January 28, 2012

My Secret Spy Mission

**Disclaimer: Mature Language**

I have a confession to make. I actually LIKE scam email letters. I know, I’m totally weird. But I don’t open them. I use view source when I think there MIGHT be something in the scam email that I could actually make fun of. And THAT’S why I like them. Take the most recent one I found where MY email won five million dollars. Yes, you read that right—my EMAIL WON. Not ME, my damn EMAIL. I’m not sure how the hell my email won a lottery considering it doesn’t even play the lottery…hell I rarely play the damn lottery, but win it DID! And five million dollars no less!

 Do you know that the Treasury swallows 10bnGBP every year from unclaimed lottery payments and winnings yearly? When you sign up/register for an email account or make use of your email account within specific time frame, your email service provider automatically enters you for a national email lottery draw which is done every three months and winners would be notified by lotto officials or consultants such as me. Your email has just won the sum of $5,000,000.00 in cash credited to a file in the just concluded National Lottery draw. Your e-mail address attached to: Winning numbers 10-14-27-31-32-47-41 Bonus Number. ( 41) WVW309553 . You would be provided with an online account in which the fund will be credited and then you can log on to any computer anywhere in the world and transfer the fund to your desired bank account. If however, you have received a previous notice about any fund or winnings but you have been unable to get it for what so ever reason, please reply immediately with your name, address and phone number, so that i can process your transaction and facilitate the release of your fund to you within 72 hours. Send your replies and details such as, Full Name 2. Address: 3.Age/Gender 4. Occupation 5.Nationality 6.Phone Number ,7. Amount Won ; to Fiduciary Agent below:

 Roman Nickman 

 Mrs Jane Patrone 
( National Lottery.) 

 Dear Mrs. Patrone,

 I had NO fucking clue that the Treasury swallowed 10bnGBP every year from unclaimed lottery payments and winnings yearly! Jesus, Peter and Paul! I certainly hope the Treasury doesn’t vomit or worse, get a hiatal hernia! That would really suck! Then who would look after OUR money! The President? Congress? We might as well all take a gawd forsaken bridge wearing concrete shoes if that’s the case.

 Listen, Jane, I don’t know how long this email of yours has been traveling thru cyberpace, but I can ASSURE you that I have NOT signed up/registered for an email account in quite some time. Years, actually. And I’m quite certain that my email service provider didn’t automatically enter me in a national email lottery draw because I can barely draw stick figures, so I’d automatically lose, unless the draw is standing at fifteen paces at high noon, whereas I MIGHT have a chance because I’m a fairly good shot, although THAT is against the law in the United States, therefore I’m POSITIVE that my EMAIL did NOT win the draw. I’m also quite certain that MY email has been very well behaved and hasn’t wandered off and done anything that I haven’t specifically instructed it to do, therefore IT did not sign itself up for any national email lottery draw. And I most definitely did NOT instruct it to play 10-14-27-31-32-47-41 and bonus number 41.

 I see that 41 has been repeated, so now I’m actually wondering if this is really a CODE!

 Could you be the Secret Service or a Special Agent trying to recruit me? Do you think that I have some special powers that could SAVE the world from disaster on December 21st? Those numbers: 10, 14, 27, 31, 32, 47, 41 and 41, could they be coordinates? Should I be plugging them into Google Earth and getting a location? Or maybe they are a secret combination for a locker somewhere in Timbuk-fucking-tu? And yes, I WILL need coordinates for THAT location because I just pulled it out of my ass.

 Jane, I’m all for secret spy stuff, but please, just give me the scoop. I don’t have time to decode national secrets with secret decoder pens or emails. I have a NEW puppy and I’m REALLY tired, i.e. quite bitchy. And those numbers are all jumbled together so I could end up in Zam-fucking-bia by the time we’re done and Earth as we know it will be DOOMED!

 Give me the shit, Jane. I just know $5,000,000.00 is also another code, but for the love of Pete, just tell me already because I’m falling asleep at my keyboard! And what’s up with WVW309553? How many damn codes are you going to give me? I know I’m smart and all, but seriously? W=We V= Vant W=World? We Vant World WHAT??? World peace? World destruction? World domination? Sheesh! I thought you wanted me to SAVE the World not destroy it or perform dominatrix on it! Make up your mind Jane, this flip flopping is making me dizzy!

 You’re going to have to pay MY email a hell of a lot more money than five million dollars because this is total bullshit. The stress is just too much. The codes are too damn hard and your accent is fucking me all up. If you can’t use correct grammatical text, it’s gonna cost you another cool million for me to decipher what the fuck you are trying to say. And if I have to decode this shit without a secret decoder ring, that’s another one million because I don’t have one of those handy, therefore I have to hunt one down and BUY it and I’m sure they are quite expensive. Sorry, Jane, I have to put my foot down.

 And tell Roman Nickman that HIS secret spy name is really stupid. Who the hell made up THAT name anyway? It’s way too close to I’m A Nick Name. Duh. Ching-Ching, another million on your tab, Jane, for giving out stupid spy names.

 So, are we cool now, Jane? It’s going to cost you at least eight million to get started. You can send that through to my email. You already have my email, so don’t even ask me what the hell it is.

 If you don’t hear from me, assume I’m saving the world from certain destruction. If I don’t hear from you, I will consider myself damn lucky!

 NAMOW ELBISIVNI  << My Secret Spy Name

 P.S. Can anyone tell me what my Secret Spy Name means?


  1. You GO, Pamela!

    *thunderous applause*

    Your response email is absolutely BRILLIANT!

    "I thought you wanted me to SAVE the World not destroy it or perform dominatrix on it!"

    Bwhhahahahahahahahah! Freakin' HILAROUS!

    Now I have to say, I've never received this particular email, but ones that are a bit similar. And what always kills me is this line...

    "and then you can log on to any computer anywhere in the world and transfer the fund to your desired bank account."

    HA! Yeah, like I'm going to provide my bank account information to them.


    Great post, my friend! LOVED it!

    Hope you're having a faaaabulous weekend!


    P.S Is your Secret Spy name, Invisible Woman?

    1. "and then you can log on to any computer anywhere in the world and transfer the fund to your desired bank account."

      HA! Yeah, like I'm going to provide my bank account information to them.

      Ron, the scary thing is there ARE people who DO provide their banking info!

      You’re a genius! My Secret Spy name is the Invisible Woman! :-)

  2. Your spy name should totally be: EM HTIW SSEM TNOD. Seriously. You're GOOD! Thanks for the laughs!

    1. Jo, I like THAT Secret Spy name!

      Glad you enjoyed the post! ;-)

  3. You're the invisible woman! I'm brilliant for figuring out your code!!!!!

  4. Sooo late to this party but had to chime in - this was awesome! I'm going to have remember to do this with my next junk email ... if for no other reason than to imagine the nimrod at the other end's face!

    1. Bubbe, I'm late in replying sometimes, no worries!

      Have fun with the spammer-scammers. It's so much better than stressing!


I *hart* comments!


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