Thursday, March 31, 2011

I KNOW I'm Nutty

Late last summer, we decided to replace our old deck, which is on the back of our house, off the kitchen, approximately nine feet above our concrete patio.

 One day, before the new deck was on, my husband was standing at the slider, which was WIDE OPEN, just staring out at the back yard. I turned and saw him standing there and said, “David, don’t stand there like THAT, move back!”

 “Don’t worry, I won’t fall,” he said, thinking he was reassuring me.

 “I’m not afraid you’ll FALL. I’m afraid I’ll PUSH you.” My serious tone must’ve struck a chord because his head snapped to the right and he gave me that deer in the headlights look.

“WHAT?” he managed to ask.

 “I SAID, I’m afraid I’ll PUSH you. So BACK up or CLOSE the door!” I clutched the counter behind me with both hands—not because I WANTED to push him, but because something in my head was actually AFRAID I’d DO IT! Like I would be compelled to push him, or at least that’s how it felt—in my head.

 “THAT’S what I thought you said. You’re nuts.” He didn’t bother to back up OR close the door; he just stood there, staring at me, like he normally does when I say something nutty.

 “Are you just NOW figuring THAT out?” I asked him, quite seriously, knowing full well he’d answer me in kind, after all, we’ve been together well over 25 years.

 “No. I’ve always known. I just wanted to make sure you knew.” His tone was matter of fact, as if he were telling me the weather, rather than assessing my out of whack thought process.

 “Oh. I already know. Just remember it’s the ones who are nuts and don’t admit it that you have to worry about.”

 “Oh right, because according to YOU, because YOU voice these thoughts, YOU won’t act on them, but those who don’t, will. Or how about your friend Jane who’s afraid of heights because she might jump!” His memory scared me sometimes—how did he manage to remember THOSE things but failed to remember to put his shirt in the hamper?

 “And THAT’S why Jane and I are BEST friends! We understand each other!” I triumphantly exclaimed as if I had just answered the world’s most complex question.

 “No shit. Because no one else can figure either of you out.”

 “Ha ha. You love me. Now back away from the door so no one gets hurt.” I pulled my hands off the counter and waved him away from the door. He did, back away from the door, that is, and to this day he tells everyone how he had to build the deck quickly because his nutty wife might push him and he won’t just die—another nutty story for another day!

 How about you? Have you ever had any nutty moments?


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